Jokes

Seen this week on the internet. Some really witty incisive humorous jokes. (Irony for the benefit of anyone who isn't sure.) 1) The only problem I get is premenstrual women dog walkers when I'm driving some times. 2) Roll me in chocolate and feed me to the Lesb**ns. 3) Lesb*ans are great,every man should have 2 of them.

Some Fresh! Manly! Wisdom!

"Always respect your lady, all relationships are a compromise, don't put too much importance on the sex side too soon and remember one week a month you need to be gentle and understanding."

Dear me. I don't think I will even start to bother analysing why I find this sort of comment a) annoying and b) sad. OK, I will have a little go.

1) Always respect your lady. How about respecting all people – and animals – regardless of whether or not you are apparently in a relationship with them?

2) She is not YOUR lady. She is her own person and not a fucking possession. One of the good things about learning Spanish is the discovery that they rarely use possessive pronouns, so 'my' or 'her' husband invariably becomes 'the' husband.

3) She is not a Lady. Is she a titled member of the aristocracy? Huh? Doubt it. She is a woman. Stop coming with the false gentility crap. All women are women. There are no 'ladies' who merit more respect than other women.

4) Are all relationships a compromise? I don't know. I'm not settling for something I'm not happy with, and I wouldn't expect someone else to. Compromise implies a sense of missed goals or lack of satisfaction.

5) Don't put too much importance on the sex side...... hahahahahahaha!!!!! Right, for all you silly men out there, there is no way I would be settling for any tosser with a penis who wasn't prepared to put importance on the sex side immediately. So is that clear?

6) Maybe not. To clarify further, I am not interested in any sort of relationship with a man who does not shag first. If they are shaggable and a good time is had by all, then I might consider a relationship. But I would not dream of wasting my time on 'getting to know each other' to end up with a shit sex life. And sex life means any type of sex. It is not always or just about PIV. It is certainly not just about your penis.

7) Oh, and another thing. This comment about sex really, really, reeks of appalling male privilege. Just for the benefit of the author of this statement and anyone else who may think the same way – sex is not something that women do as a favour, or in exchange for rights and benefits (if they are doing they need to take a quick dose of radical feminism). Women have sex because they want it and they like it. Not because it is your prerogative. Ever.

8) So, for one week a month men need to be gentle and understanding. What about the other three or four weeks a month? You can presumably act your normal arsey selves.

9) Oh, I get it now. You mean women have periods? So why didn't you say so?

10) Taken all in all it is the most patronising piece of shit I have read in some time.

And what is bad about it? It is 'well-intentioned' and meant to be good advice to a younger man. Well, it is not. It is unhelpful and does no more than re-inforce the tired old shite that we are all sick of.

So - nice man. Please keep your unasked for Fresh! Manly! Wisdom! to yourself. The only ones to give men advice about what women want from a relationship are women. Hey, but silly me. Men always know better, don't they? About fucking everything.

Especially about what women want.

Computers. Of course, what else?

Computers. Apart from anything else I wrote this post and for some strange reason managed to lose it. Sadly since then, I have calmed down so it is no longer a virulent rant. Our first computer back in the 80s was an Amstrad and didn't even have a hard drive. I figured we didn't need to spend the extra so every time we booted up we had to faff around sticking a floppy in before we even got anywhere. It worked good as gold though, and we eventually flogged it around seven years later for fifty quid. Next up, an IBM. We graduated to a hard drive this time. It served us well. The truth is, it is still working some fifteen or so years later. Admittedly it had a bit of a blip when there was some rather heavy rain in Spain and it died on us. Easily fixed by a computer chap though who stuck a somewhat dangerous looking box on the outside – at this point it was too old to find a compatible drive to put inside – for the princely sum of around thirty or forty euros. For some strange reason I agreed to not bothering to restore the soft drive. That was not clever. I forgot I actually did use it occasionally. Note – all our computers and printers are now surge protected. We didn't know about them back then. But the time came for me to buy that Apple that I had always wanted – it's just that it's hard to buy a new computer when the current one works perfectly well, so I'd waited rather a long time. I bought a very elegant desktop. It is nice. It's an iMac or something and is now some few years old. Next up, buy the laptop. The MacBookPro. Seventeen inch screen. Made-in-China like every other computer but, - drum roll - Designed-in-California. Packs up after less than two years – more than one year of course, so the warranty is out. It's had a lot of use, but I don't think it has had enough to pack up after less than two years. And, what is particularly annoying is that I could have bought three HP laptops for the price of one Apple over less than two years. I do not want to buy a computer every year. I would much prefer them to last for ever and a day. I like Apple. I like the design. I like the simplicity of the operating system. At the end of the day, anyone in design/print/journalism etc is used to using them, and it is the computer of choice. But I have to confess that I am surprised at Windows. It has become very – sort of well, Appley. It is far more Appley than it used to be. What is annoying about using Apple, is the amount of stuff that is incompatible. This is not Apple's fault – rather the fault of the other manufacturers, whether cameras, GPS units, video cameras, modems, routers, whatever. Always having to specify 'I have a Mac' or 'Tengo un Mac' is a pain – apart from anything else, even when you have said that, it doesn't mean the person in the shop/on the other end of the 'phone knows what they are talking about. Having a Windows laptop as a back-up does not seem such a bad idea after all. But what I do not like, is the appalling McAfee security promotion on Windows. Not only does the irritating logo crop up endlessly, but helpfully the pre-set restrictions mean I could not access Safari, Thunderbird, and a couple of other programmes. Now, why would that be I wonder? I do not want to use Internet Explorer, and I don't like having my choices made for me. And another thing, the amount of adverts on the AOL/Internet Explorer browser are just grossly annoying. Stuff does take longer to load. Hal (3?) takes longer to start up than Apple Hals. For someone with little patience this is not good. Although Hal (2) doesn't start at all at the moment. But Hal (3) does go to sleep on his own nicely, so just needs a quick tap in the morning to wake up. He has a rather nice slide show. I like slide shows. He shows me an analogue clock. :) The basic software package is hum, minimal. Apparently I have Vista Premium rather than Basic. I wonder how basic Basic really is. It seems Microsoft has learned a trick out of Apple's book there by supplying very little apart from some nice entertainment packages. But therein lies the difference in the computer market now. It's about entertainment. In olden days you did at least get Word. Now you just get some tacky thing called Wordpad. Guess anyone who wants to use a computer for anything serious will get it paid for by work. I have no intention of buying Office, and one of the first things I did was to download OpenOffice. Can anyone really manage without a word processor???? The default email that comes up is – yes, Office. No, I don't want to trial it, pay for it, or have anything to do with it. There is a Windows Mail application and I downloaded Thunderbird. Not that I have got either of them to work successfully, something to do with having two conflicting outgoing mail servers I suspect. Always worked ok on Apple Hal though. I would like the date to be included with all the info stuff on the bottom. And the weather widget doesn't work for my part of the world apparently. In fact Gibraltar isn't even listed when I try and key in personal info. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe Apple just goes that tiny further. Not enough to warrant the price – or is it? Oh and note to Apple shop in Gib. Please do not make a note to say you have called me to update me with the lack of progress on the repair of Hal (2) when you haven't. I'm usually in, I've not missed a call, and there are no messages. So no, I didn't know until Partner went in the other day, that you had managed to get the install disk out and that you can't get anything up on the screen. Anyway, you've only had it a week, so I can't expect too much progress.

Poet Laureate and Kindred Spirits

Well, congratulations to Carol Ann Duffy who has been appointed the first woman Poet Laureate in the UK. Not before time as the post of Poet Laureate has been going a mere 341 years. Oh, and apparently it seems Ms Duffy was passed over ten years ago (it is a ten year appointment thing) because she was in a lesbian relationship. So what? Ah, seems Tony Blair wasn't too sure how the middle classes would respond to that. Deary me. Anyway good one Carol. Because if I was you, I would be more tempted to tell the British establishment where to stick their exalted Poet Laureateship - but the truth is you are doing more for women and lesbians by accepting the post. I wish you a happy and successful ten years. ...................................... Now, in reading up about Ms Duffy, I happened across the Telegraph web site. While the technical standard of journalism on the Telegraph (as a newspaper) used to have a good reputation - short, concise, and to the point - i have to say that I am not a fan of the politics it espouses. Still, easy enough to cut through that and read the actual news. At the top of the piece about Ms Duffy was a link to Kindred Spirits. This is the Telegraph's dating section. Well, they are unlikely to be my kindred spirits but I couldn't resist a look. I shouldn't have been surprised should I? What did I find? Endless middle-aged men from late 40s to early 60s, who ALL wanted attractive - or very attractive - younger slim women who were intelligent (in which case they would be unlikely to be looking at these tossers), invariably shorter than them, and who just needed to fit into an exact specific mould. If they tolerated an older woman, it was invariably one who was a year older - but the age span they were looking at included women nearly 20 years younger. Vomit. It wasn't any better when I looked at the women's profiles. They invariably wanted older, taller, richer, men. I wonder why. Oh, and all the men seemed to have conservative/right wing politics. Hardly unexpected I suppose. Oddly, very few of them claimed to smoke. Regardless of the political socio-economic issues, what really got up my nose was the idea that fat middle-aged men with a bit of money seemed to consider it their right to advertise for a younger, slimmer, slightly shorter, intelligent woman to do exactly what they were told. Oh, and attractive or very attractive of course - because women are only worth judging on their looks, aren't they? Kindred spirits my arse.