Monday, 20 April 2009

Just another depressing post

One of my friends said recently that she was embarked on a course of self-destruction. We didn't discuss it at the time, but I can empathise with that. For me, it's a relationship thing. I really can't handle them. I'm either incredibly immature (almost certainly) and/or just incapable of handling a nice relationship (equally almost certainly). I can never believe that something will last - if it feels nice it must be too good to be true - and I'm always waiting for the bitter and inevitable end. And maybe that's why I feel like rushing it along, hastening the end, to get past the bad bit and move on. Or I'm not sure whether I feel exposed when I share part of myself with people, and want to rush back into my shell, just venturing out on the odd occasional foray. Or whether I am like a stray dog, wanting to take the scraps offered but frightened that the hand that feeds me will hurt - so I bite it instead. Maybe I can't handle all-round perfect nice people. They seem to bring out the worst in me. I like people to have faults. And be real. Or perhaps I don't trust people. They usually let you down in the end.

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