Monday, 11 April 2011

'I keep my mouth shut these days'

It was one of those mornings.

After my failed attempt yesterday to sneak off to the outdoor gym and get back before Partner's hunter gathering run I was ordered to stay at home today. I decided to spend my time usefully so harvested a couple of farms and wrote the odd pm.

When he returned, I dutifully went downstairs to help with the shopping and the bike. Once all was safely gathered in, the rant started.

Apparently he had been cycling through the housing estate on a one-way street on his way home, which is his normal route. I need to say two things here.

1) He is NOT a slow cyclist, even when loaded up with shopping
2) he IS an assertive cyclist.

That means for the non-cycling community, that he takes his place in the road, not the gutter, and if there is no space for cars to get past, they have to wait. I really must finish my cycling rant post which is half written.

'Parp! Parp!' went Toad. Partner thought it was probably someone he knew having a laugh - it frequently happens. Builders that he knows around Gib recognise him on the bike and toot. "PARP!! PARP!!" went Toad again.

Partner realised it wasn't a mate. He stopped the bike in the middle of the road.

'I'm in a hurry, I need to get by,' Toad stated.
'You're not going to,' was the (smug) reply. 'It's a single lane road, and you're not getting past me.'

Fat Toad was not impressed. Neither was Fat Toad's Fat Daughter. She had to go to school. (Should have got up earlier IMO).

Partner suggested a) that Fat Toad got out to discuss it, and b) that Partner would call the police if FT was unhappy. FT said bicycles should not be on the road. They were dangerous. FT began to speak in Spanish. Partner said he was happy to abuse FT in Spanish as well as English. FT's FD told everyone to calm down.

By now Partner was well into his stride, or cycle revolution.

'You should be walking to school instead of sitting in the car. You might not be so fat.'

Ouch!! It should be said the school is not five minutes walk from the estate, so his comment was valid even if the observation was unnecessary. A bloke in a van behind FT's car said 'Way to go son!' as Partner got back on his bike. And rode very, very, slowly through the rest of the estate, sitting in the middle of the road all the way through and at the exit to the main road. Don't mess with Partner on a bike.

So, now he's calmed down a bit and decides to take the edge off the door which has swollen with the damp and humidity and is sticking slightly. Note - we are well after 9am here. There is traffic noise in the street, and drilling somewhere. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! goes the sander. I'm still doing really useful things on Facebook.

'Are you asleep?' he called out. Uh? I've just helped you in with the shopping, listened to the tale of the cycling encounter, and you think I'm asleep. He finished sanding and came back into the flat. His mouth was wide open. I realised he hadn't been talking to me at all. Someone had said something about the sanding. Probably one of our immediate two neighbours, although given that one goes to work at 7.30am and the other at 6am, that was unlikely.

'Unbelievable,' he muttered.
'Guess who that was?' The penny dropped but even I couldn't believe it.
'The Vamps?' I suggested, incredulously.

The Vamps, for anyone who is not familiar with them, moved in nearly two years ago. For the whole of the summer we were subject to endless drilliing, banging, you name it from 8.30am-5.30pm while the flat was being revamped. (Ha, that was funny huh?) But people want to change stuff, so noise is noise, have to ignore it basically. When they moved in, we discovered they were vampires. On Friday and sometimes Saturday nights, they host Gibraltar's gathering of vamps from around 11pm until 6 or 7am. Then, they carefully drag their coffins into place and fall into them to sleep the day away, while the rest of us get up. Our two immediate neighbours have both complained about the noise to them. Once, there was serious screaming and yelling up there and someone called the police. Apparently it was just a row between two sisters. But we have never complained to them. Live and let live. So far, they don't play loud unbearable music, even if they do seem to talk and laugh a lot. Hey, if they are having a good time, nice one.

We see one Vamp more than the other one. It was the one with the smiley face who had turned up in the hallway. (ie 2ft square bit of space outside the three flats on our floor). She stood there in her jim-jams, wringing her hands and looking fuzzy.

'Are you asleep?' had been addressed to smiley Vamp. She had nodded her head.
'I'll only be two minutes,' said Partner, who really didn't need a second confrontation in less than an hour.
'OK,' said smiley Vamp sleepily, and sleepwalked back upstairs.

You gotta laugh. He was only two minutes and there was really no point having the conversation about their noise at night, the endless noise during the flat refurb when they weren't living there, or the fact that most people don't sleep during the day - and no the Vamps don't work nights. Well only as vampires. Hey, other residents in the block, we'll just leave all noisy work until 1am when the Vamps have woken up and are feeling perky, because that suits them. He wouldn't have stopped sanding today however long it was going to take but that's not relevant. Vamp got away lightly. This time.

Oh and the title? Partner promises every day that he keeps his mouth shut now and doesn't argue with people, or make smart comments. At least it was a 50% success rate today.

Notes: For anyone who doesn't know, Toad, refers to Toad of Toad Hall of Wind in the Willows. He considers himself to be King of the Road. I apologise to anyone who is offended at the description of the fat antagonist and his fat daughter. I repeat the story as it was told to me.


Bren said...

lol very funny story...never a dull moment huh?

Imogen said...

Good for Partner on a Bike. I am behind him all the way, not in a car though, and not with a fat daughter.

Seriously, some people are just so unbelievable!

Need to re read again after lunch, because it was very funny too! And I need a laugh these days.

Imogen With a Split Personality (ies)